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Self-worth

Saturday, September 9, 2017
Hey it's Crysy,


I got a little upset the night before when I asked my friends out to meet them before I leave SG. I have such lovely groups of friends and I have been obsessively trying to reach out to everybody before I leave. 2 months is not a long time– there's only so many days I can squeeze to meet everybody. What I forget in this context is that, my friends, they all have their own lives to lead. After a few mismatched of scheduling, I got really dishearten. What made it worst was that their enthusiasm did not correspond to mine. I know how this sounds – incredibly and undesirably sensitive. You do not have to illustrate that in my ask.fm

Anyhow, since my mood's taken a little dipped yesternight, I stayed awhile longer at work and took the time to myself. I went to eat Aston's and have one entire bowl of bingsu on my own (yeah, I finished that). It was a luxury I felt that I deserve. Throughout my dinner date with myself, I kept asking one question: "What made me so important". What made me so important that I demand everybody to drop whatever they are doing just because I am leaving. Because I am funny? Because I feel like I am a great friend or was it because I feel like I have invested much in the friendships, I expect something in return? So then begs the question, if I did things only to expect reciprocations, do I really did it out of the goodwill of my heart? Do I really care about these friends?

I then realise, vested within me was an inflated sense of self-worth.


I feel important. Important enough to want friends to be excited about meeting me. And that's outrightly ridiculous. My distorted sense of reality made me unhappy. My perspective of how things should be made me sad. And this must go, because I like my happiness.





Nothing much to this post, just a documentation of thought-process, assessing why I react under certain circumstances and in general how to resolve it. Yesterday was a good night, I like to call nights like this, 'recalibration'.


Crysy out, catch you again!

Leaving SG + living habits

HEY THERE, I AM LEAVING SINGAPORE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.

Yes, I am. 





This is by far the most nerve-wrecking and mind-liberating decision I have ever made in my life. A difficult one no doubt, still in the midst of solidifying the process getting my VISA pass, and then I will be flown out to THE LAND FROM DOWN UNDER. I will be gone in 2.5 months tentatively, I honestly don't want to spend another new year's eve in Singapore. Anyhow, It was at one point of my life I remember sitting in the office at Paya Lebar Square looking at the planes flying by and thinking to myself that "there's an entire world out there, but here I am". So when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. It's funny how life works out somehow, when I am thinking about it and there comes an miraculous opportunity, bringing the right people into my life (the place I met one of them is HILARIOUS, share again next time). Everything somehow fits. Coincidence? I guess not, I am just too well taken care of. *insert thankfulness here*

I am visiting my grandparents/baby sister more frequently, and they all know I am leaving so such family quality time is so precious.


And since there's two month-ish time left for my pampered ass life here in SG and after visiting one of my friends whom lived alone.... IT REALLY GOT ME REFLECTING. I cannot keep up with my living habits if I want to survive OZ on my own?!?!?!?! I am lazy to my very core, I think it's a really bad habit. And to be frank, I believe I have the power to do so much more when I put my mind to it. I have been cutting out on exercising, not doing the laundry (which is disgustingly piling up btw,  but no worries, I just did a load, gonna do another tomorrow) and my eating habits? As much as I am very aesthetically driven, sometimes I just DO NOT fold my clothes, I chuck them somewhere. 

My GUY friend actually said this exact line to me: "I don't even want to imagine how messy your room is". As I visited said friend's place, I really felt so ashamed of myself. I should be thankful that he have yet to decide to unfriend me, honestly if I lived with him, he would unfriend my ass and kick me out. I thought so much about it, it made me negative nelly. Wanted to cringe at myself so bad, I want to just sit there and cry. Then again, it might be PMS. I have been controlling my emotions so good these days. *pats on the shoulder* 


okay, so first order of business: 
  1. Laundry Scheduling  
  2. House-keeping Scheduling 
  3. Yoga + Dance Classes
  4. Money-saving Habits 
  5. Skincare Routines 
So these are a few things I am planning to work on. Hopefully by November, I am all good to go. If not, my friend over at Aussie might request SG to take me back because my LIFE IS FALLING APART. 




Crysy out, catch you in a bit.