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Every close friend that I've lost

Wednesday, December 17, 2014
She was my first best friend. I was 12. I was very tall for my age, and so was she. Actually she was older. She had boobies, periods and quite a bit of money. She was really cool to me. All 12 year olds were making one of the biggest decision of their lives following their PSLE results. "I am going to Anderson", she told me really quietly. I didn't reply, but I put that in as my first choice. It didn't bother me that I have to go through an additional year if I picked Anderson. I wanted to go where she was going.

I got into Anderson, but she didn't make it. She explained that her aunt made her choose another school. I was left to Anderson, alone. We lost contact and only met up several years later to find that we were already so far off in frequency, even bob couldn't fix it.

I talked to her first. "You want to use that?" Actually... I am glad I did. CN was the only person that gave me a friendship closest to what Blair and Selena has (Gossip Girls) - minus the part where they slept with each other's bfs, of course. We did really crazy things together, things too crazy for an average 13 y/o. I loved her, it was unhealthy, but she kept feeding me what I needed. We lied to our parents, got our boyfriends together and would go on double dates to the furthest places you know existed in Singapore. I was never cool, but she was never bored of me.

We went to a vacation once, and everything was gone. We had the biggest argument ever, and it was over. There was no need to tell anybody, they knew. Till this day, nobody asked what happened, they just knew it was gone. I cried.

She is the sweetest person on Earth, or so it seems. Maybe she still is. I don't know. We hung out a lot at one point of time and she kept saying things like, "omg you're so cool" or "omg, you're so good at this!" Losing CN was a bit of a hit, so I did a lot of things I knew I wouldn't have done just to impress her. I didn't keep her entertained for long anyway, we just stopped talking. People kept asking "what happened?" and it hurts so much to reply "I really don't know". One day, she told me she was going to stop going to tuition with me, and I threw it all out at her. We haven't talk since.

He was like a brother I never had. He would coax me to study when I'm throwing a fit. I am not the easiest friend to be with, but he took care of me anyway. He would buy me my favourite snacks and drinks.

And then, he fell in love with me. I was going to lose him, I knew it. I cried. "I wish that I can just love him, I wish that I can be with him, but I don't see it. I can't see myself walking down the aisle to bear his children. I can't see it." For the rest of the year, even when it broke my heart, I was the meanest person ever. I told him I don't want to sit at the table next to his, that I don't want to speak with him. I met the love of my life after a month or so (most of my friends know him as JC boy, but you, I think you all know him as H), and it was just too painful to even watch. We could all be studying at the same area, but when I whatsapped him a question he would reply "why don't you ask JC boy". I cried. Several times. Even when I was with H, I cried.

"I should just be with him"

Maybe he was not a close friend. I am contemplating whether or not he is on the list. I mean, maybe we were never meant to be that good of a friend, but I have always held him close to my heart. We used to always tell inappropriate jokes in class and would do imaginary modelling gigs, we were each other's biggest fan. When we received our 'O' level results, he disappeared. Nobody heard about him. Well, at least not everybody. On his birthday, I left him a Facebook message. I told him that I care. He contacted me once again and we went out a few times together.

The last time we went out together. He wouldn't speak to me. It was forced and awkward, I tried to humour him with one of our many dirty jokes and he wouldn't reciprocate. I stopped talking to him. I stopped reaching out to people altogether.

She was the light of my life. I loved her. I honestly did. We would dance, and talk about our non-existent boobs. I'd tell her everything, I'd text her all day and think about going out with her all night. We would go out and pretend that we were celebrities. We were having issues with our exes at that point of time, but we were each other's strength. To be more accurate. She was my strength. I threw my phone in the living room and went to bed. She couldn't do it. She called him.

Once she got back together with her ex-bf we hardly met, we didn't talk much and even when she did meet me, she would be upset over a fight etc. I let it drag so long, because I honestly could not let it go. She was like CN all over again. She told me that I was being overly possessive, that she could never fill my appetite. I let it dragged so long even H couldn't watch it any further. "Stop letting her hurt you, stop letting her come back to you only to leave you. Stop."