Cirrus clouds

H and I went ahead with camping on Friday despite the rain - tents are waterproof right? We were really late on registering for camping permit so our area was quite a distance from where our bus stops. We walked till the sun sets only to find out that the rain was seeping through the tent. Cocoa was behaving really oddly, I guess the dog was worn out by all the travelling and we had to send a SOS out to H's family.

They came and rescue us like a search party, and got us back home under our safe and snuggly shelter. It was still really awesome.

During the entire trip, we only stopped for dinner. Which was really our only activity for the day... if you exclude walking a few parks away to our camp site.



Look at Cocoa staring at my food.



Thank-you for being the nanny of the day, carrying Cocoa and building the tent in the rain.

Honey

I always thought it was cliché when parents tell their child that they are perfect. When I laid eyes on Ashley everything changed. I touched her puffy little cheeks and wished they would never go away. I hope she will never hate her eyes like I did when I was younger. How silly. It made me special, it makes us special.

Never will I want to go on a day knowing that you are sad, depressed or lonely. I'd wish the world for you. Daddy had made many life changes for you, little one. "He is a changed man", my grandmother told me. I hope you will grow up well and will never have a chance to experience what I have been through.

"I know we are different, but deep inside us, we are not that different at all"

Let the good times roll

It's not easy to love somebody with a death wish. I lost count on the number of times you stood by your phone just in case I sneak my last goodbye. All those times you rush to pack and come over just because I do not have the strength to carry on. You know it does not matter that I was happy an hour before. You know and you understand. Or at least you try.

What I have is not something I can change, but you know I am trying. You cannot fully comprehend what is happening, but you try. If things get tough and it's harder for me to breathe, you would bring me home and watch me sleep. You will jump at any sudden movement and told me to slap you awake if anything unpleasant happens.

I am not sure how long more I have to endure this, but I am really glad to have you going through it with me. You are the only person I do not have to explain the scars and wounds around my wrist. You are the only person who focus not what I have done to myself, but how I can break free. An hour ago I was thinking about dying again, but this time I am not so sure I want it anymore. It is not a big deal, but it is a step. Thank-you, love. Thank-you.

Fur

How long more do you have. You have been chewing that treat for an hour now. I want to hug you, but you are really busy.

Shaky

Shaky hands and untamed thoughts. I said "I love you" until it lost its original meaning. I am going to say it again anyway. I am in too good a position to move out of my comfort zone now. Don't do this to me.

Random thought

Is it weird if I tell you that.... we look somewhat alike?

Now that's a holiday

Honwee was bubbly and excited the entire morning. "This is the BEST you can get from clubs". It was fun, for a few hours. I got really tired of it - mainly because I slept only at 7am that same morning.

I made Honwee leave at 230am when he kind of wanted to catch Steve Angello. I am sorry. I kept apologising. I do not think I get it, the music gets really high and then to an abrupt stop? And.... this girl almost burnt me with her cigarette, her friend had to pull her away. It was scary.

I really like the airbrush tattoo tho.



I feel like a celebrity because Honwee always had my back and would push people away when they are too close to me. "Princess Crystal needs her space to breathe, hello, move it."  No, he did not say that. He did elbow and push people away though. I genuinely don't think clubbing is fun for couples? Basically H spent the entire night protecting me from people, getting in and out of the crowd and making sure that I suffer no cigarette burns. We could be breaking our voices at TH.

It was fun, nevertheless, for a one-time experience.

Celebratory

I put on my dress and layers of layers of make-up only to take them all off again.
It is my last paper for the year and I don't want to look pretty. I want to go to school with dark eye circles, messy bed hair and pimples. I wear them like badges of honour.

To the sleep I have missed, the panic I have felt and the mental torture I put myself through day-in, day-out. I am glad I am able to make peace with my previous results and get back on my feet again.

Peep

Two more papers to kill before I charge towards my imaginary horizon of freedom. I forgot its Steak Day today - who still remembers their monthsaries anyway? Anyhow, as by tradition, we are going to have our beef. Cheese burger or Astons' Ribeye - depending on our wallets!

I wish the holidays are NOW.

Oh, and that's Cocoa looking like a beast. Looks like she is recovering well from the previous yeast infection - hope its all good news at the Vet this Friday!

"I am here, I am here with you"

but how many times can you play knight?