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Monday, August 25, 2014

I met him.
I finally did. I threw every problem in the world to the back of my head, we hugged and I held his hands. We left the residence with me almost running. The moment, that moment, I was glad I didn't try to end my life earlier. There was somebody still worth living for. I was so happy, and then the day ended. It was dark outside. 

I had to return.

I couldn't do it.
I cried, I wailed. Unreasonably and incoherently, I wailed.  I cannot remember what exactly happen, but I know I broke down every single false pretence I built up to conform to society's 'normal behaviour'. I was so sad it was painful. I could feel it in my spine, on my back, my stomach and my heart. It was tearing me apart. 

He watched while I screamed in pain into my pillow. He hugged me, really tightly. I was so close to him, I could hear him sniff. "It's the truth, believe me", I told him. 


With my eyes closed, my brain race back in time. 
"Your daddy doesn't even want you" 
"Your dad and I will not be together anymore" 
"I smoke because you give me a lot of unnecessary stress, I smoke because of YOU"  
"STOP asking if I love you, I am not going to answer you" 
"You are a monster" 
"You are no daughter of mine" 
"Get out of my house" 

I was calmer, a lot calmer. I opened my eyes and spoke in the most coherent way possible, "I want to die". He was strong, like the man I know he is. "No, you cannot, because I need you". He grab me up and hugged me for the longest time, "I love you". He pushed my hair back, away from my wet, sober face "it's okay, its going to be okay, you have me

I gave in to his words, I listened to his breathing and felt his warmth envelope me. 

It felt okay again. I didn't want anybody to see me, I didn't want him to leave me. So he let me tug along everywhere he went. He brought me to the cinema. Before reaching the cinema, I questioned him "Will you send me away to the mental institute?". He looked briefly at me and replied: "No, that's a horrible place. Even if I really have to, I will go there with you". It was very reassuring. So we rushed to get movie tickets and sneaked in a lot of snacks. He brought me home in a cab, kissed my forehead and we slept. 



It was almost noon the next day when I popped right into his bed and let him hug me before he would wake.

I am safe, now. I am safe and soon.. he will fetch me away from this place. I hate every thing in this place. I need a home, I need my home.