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Who am I?

Monday, April 14, 2014
Warning: Wordy entry ahead, scroll down if you are only here for pictures. Entry contains certain 'self-actualisation' issues and rants.

I was pondering about how did I become so empty whenever Honwee is not around, why is my life so dependent on him and what I was doing before he walked into my life... literally (lol).  

Every week this day, this time I would be here thinking about what to fill my time with for the following week. I am a rather positive person, I always tell myself "4 days, it is only for 4 days and I get to plant a kiss on his cheeks by Friday". It works pretty well for me... after Moooooonnndaaaaaaaaaaaay and Tuuuuuuuuuuuueessssssddaaaaaaaaaay (super long Monday and Tuesday, because that is what they feel like to me!). I'd easily kick Wed + Thur's asses, easy peasy. Sigh, it came to a point whereby I know I am nothing without Honwee. I know it sounds kind of sad + sweet to you, but it's only sad to me.

When I broke up with my ex-boyf, I told myself, "Crys, please don't fall in love, just do your own thing, kick some asses and find yourself. Remember to find yourself before you find anybody else." (watch as I digress...) My tendency to fall in love is so ridiculously high, even my inner critics couldn't bear to watch. It is  A L W A Y S
Feelings "God, he is so nice. Hey brains, you think I can marry him?"
Brains "wt(mind me)f, can you stop"
Me "wah you so nice leh," *secretly blushing, possibly thinking about the future already

It wasn't the same with Honwee tho cuz he was attached then, it was more like...
Feelings "wah he is my dream"
Brains "diam la, this one not on the market"
Feelings "*insert hokkien profanities* I know la, can't you see I'm going to hibernate?!?!"
Me "Eh, I think I have to go home now"

and it really did went to hibernate, ok I digressed.

 

After the break up, I gave my life to Jesus, took it back (I know you laughed, but its not a joke, idk how else to phrase it) and was going full speed with my studies. It was an extremely vexing period of my life because I was preparing for O levels, given that I did not have the intention of doing well for my O levels for the past 3 years. It only hit me like the ice berg in Titanic after one of my highly intelligent friend put some hope in me. Hence.... finding myself wasn't a priority. Post O's was just... play, play and play. H contributed to 99% of the times that I went out to have fun.

I was so happy. So much so I don't know what I am without H. What would I do? What my passions are? Why do I want to go to University? What do I believe in? WHY AM I IN BUSINESS WHEN I WANT TO DO DESIGN STUFF SO BADLY? I like business, but.. yeah there, my conflict. What am I. Who am I? Finding yourself isn't something you can do overnight, and it is too often confused with your purpose on Earth. However with so much time on hand right now, I know I am on my way there. I hope at least by the time Honwee ORD, I can find most of myself, and let him complete me. CHEESY ENDING CUZ RIGHT NOW I'M STILL NTHG BUT HONWEE'S GF, HOHO.

 

Ok, bye.