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Friday, December 27, 2013


If you follow me close enough (oh you stalker, I like you) You would kind of notice that I'm out of... friendship? I have a lot of great friends, who doesn't. I just don't have a best friend/ close friend like many of you. I'm (still) rather bummed out over the last bff-ship I had. When my last bff-ship ended, I was devastated, it was all-time-low for me. I was very much alone. I couldn't even find it in myself to demand a hug from my own pup. When xxx and I met, I was all wrecked up with a terrible 'love' experience, she kind of was too. She would man up and tell me "Crys, you need to stop, you need to stop being people's dartboard, all you ever do is let people hurt you". All I did was sob and stare into her eyes, I wondered if she ever knew how strong of a women she is. We had a great time together. I would camp over at her place and dance to 'shots' on because it was 'our' song. I loved xxx very much.

Everything changed when she decided to get together with her ex-bfie (screw you) I felt horrible, not only because he was taking her time away from me but he was also an asshole. He would cheat on her and stuff, jerk deserves to get his ass jabbed in the most painful and unimaginable way. As a result of her relationship, she started to meet me late in the afternoon and retire for home early evening. Or she doesn't show up at all. I was genuinely upset and disappointed. I know this would sound really weird but I cried myself to sleep on nights that she left me early or don't show up. I knew I always had this certain expectation of how a bff should be, thanks to my first wonderful bff, whom I ruined the friendship with. I tried to expect nothing at all, but even when she is around, her troubled soul would be somewhere else, thanks to the fight that HAS to occur 5 mins before our meet-up. Screw you again bro.   

I knew the friendship would be soon over. The awareness tho, serves no purpose because when we went separate ways, my heart broke in so many pieces it was almost like the the first break-up I ever had to deal with. I hated her. I never wanted to see her ever again. Despite that, I always, ALWAYS, check on her instagram like some crazy stalker I am.. and I would go into this crazy jealous mode on when I see her calling other people "best friend". During one of those mini secondary school reunion, I ignored her when she excitedly waved at me and proceed to talked to the girl behind her instead. I must be the lamest blogger you have ever encountered. But yeah, I did that. I entirely ignored her existence. I was just.... so deep in denial. When I realise that I might lose this friendship for good, I texted her in attempt to get back our friendship, it never worked out, no matter how many times I tried, how many different ways I approached the situation, I just get blocked out all the time. It got so detrimental that H had to convince me to stop hurting myself. :( 

I'm better now. I still get upset every now and then when I see pictures of her bff and her, or as the matter of fact, any other pairs of bffs together. It has been almost a year, I am pretty used to being the 'lone wolf', they call it Omega in Teenwolf *push spectacles up nose bridge*. I'm not hoping it would stay this way tho, because the new year is coming. :) I'm excited about new set of experiences to come + many more new friends....... and hopefully, the one girlfriend that would help me understand why other girls and I just don't click. *hopeful face*


Meanwhile, there is still A LOT of letting go to be done. So..... best of luck to me. And goodnight to you. C.